Two Entries long...

I haven't felt myself lately Either from the fact that i have been spending more then enough time alone, or that i just don't care perhaps a little bit of it all I have not been your typical saint i have sinned countless times over, and over again not quite learning from my mistakes or the mistakes of others i have gone through my life watching others there reactions there opinions i would much rather look and listen to be watched and heard I know all the right things to say when to say them and who to say them to i have learned that over the 20 years of my life i go about my life going to school work hanging out with friends laughing i have never been passionate about anything besides reading if you count that i know all the latest and greatest movies i have etched quotes in my head i know about a lot of things more then your average 20 year old girl i can hold a conversation with anyone about anything i know the things to wear to get attention I have always gotten by with everything done all the right things cheerleading and swimming in high school paying enough attention in class to get by if i don't pass something or i fail I simply move on to the next thing i have realized nothing has an effect on me such as...

end

when my father left My mother was devastated cried and cried and i just simply went on with my life i didn't think anything of it i'm not good in emotional situations Though i have had my heart broken i know what it feels like the pain yet i could not comfort my mother at all i was only able to say "It'll be alright, don't cry "I have been lied to and deceived by boys Yet i was the same way towards others why? i'll never know the answer I have never felt unloved i love my family more then anything in this world i have never put effort for anything i get by, simply put I do not aim for the gloriness of something nor does it effect me when i have done my worse when i read this over it makes me out to be cold and numb I have had love in my life i have been touched by boys who have hearts made of gold, and been touched by some who just do it because it's in there nature I am content with being alone and i am not disappointed if no one calls me in the evening Though there are times when i wish i had someone to wake up to, to expect phone calls from, to get excited for I've had that feeling come and go, when a guy enters my life but in the end i just could not give them my all, due to the fact my heart is set somewhere else I will always love him and perhaps one day we will be together but i won't hold my breath i have done countless regrettable things to him and to others in the past due to me being selfish and now his heart is set somewhere else now An I have to live with that for the rest of my life this is going no where just spilling out my thoughts about things that have no meaning i am who i am and i can't change that I'm wonderfully happy where i am in my life i have regrets as does everyone, and i live my life day by day i buy things i want/need and give when wanted/needed i would not change a thing 

what what what??????

                        so just got hit on by a cute ass brother in blockbuster.

                        hahaha.. it made me smile...that is all i have to say..

                                                    <3

making the run....

i love the heat of summer in the late evening, driving with my windows down, blaring my music. I wish i could just drive forever out of this town, and away from this pain. I want to feel the sun on my shoulders and the glare in my eyes. i want to forget the regrets i have. forget what i have done to myself. i could not sleep last night, tossing and turning, and crying. I have nothing nor no one to lose. Perhaps, things are better this way, is what i keep telling myself. I am not going to moop around this house any longer.There are going to be some changes around here.

                                        My body aches from wanting.

someone sweep me off my feet so i can forget that i love him, to make all this pain go away i beg of you...

 

i just want to die..

 

i have nothing anymore...I am so alone.

Whats Missing is Dead

i  made my first purse on my sewing machine-fucking hawt.

i bought four books today for only 22 bucks

got a $13 check in the mail from suing music companys..

 

                            This isn't the first time i've thought about you

                            This won't be the last time i think about you

                      I can't stand to watch any longer, staring at the ceiling.

                        Retracing our old tracks and the path we never took.

                              No more talking about where I went wrong.

                                                       <3

                                there's just too much that time cannot erase

                                                        <3