Two Entries long...

I haven't felt myself lately Either from the fact that i have been spending more then enough time alone, or that i just don't care perhaps a little bit of it all I have not been your typical saint i have sinned countless times over, and over again not quite learning from my mistakes or the mistakes of others i have gone through my life watching others there reactions there opinions i would much rather look and listen to be watched and heard I know all the right things to say when to say them and who to say them to i have learned that over the 20 years of my life i go about my life going to school work hanging out with friends laughing i have never been passionate about anything besides reading if you count that i know all the latest and greatest movies i have etched quotes in my head i know about a lot of things more then your average 20 year old girl i can hold a conversation with anyone about anything i know the things to wear to get attention I have always gotten by with everything done all the right things cheerleading and swimming in high school paying enough attention in class to get by if i don't pass something or i fail I simply move on to the next thing i have realized nothing has an effect on me such as...

end

when my father left My mother was devastated cried and cried and i just simply went on with my life i didn't think anything of it i'm not good in emotional situations Though i have had my heart broken i know what it feels like the pain yet i could not comfort my mother at all i was only able to say "It'll be alright, don't cry "I have been lied to and deceived by boys Yet i was the same way towards others why? i'll never know the answer I have never felt unloved i love my family more then anything in this world i have never put effort for anything i get by, simply put I do not aim for the gloriness of something nor does it effect me when i have done my worse when i read this over it makes me out to be cold and numb I have had love in my life i have been touched by boys who have hearts made of gold, and been touched by some who just do it because it's in there nature I am content with being alone and i am not disappointed if no one calls me in the evening Though there are times when i wish i had someone to wake up to, to expect phone calls from, to get excited for I've had that feeling come and go, when a guy enters my life but in the end i just could not give them my all, due to the fact my heart is set somewhere else I will always love him and perhaps one day we will be together but i won't hold my breath i have done countless regrettable things to him and to others in the past due to me being selfish and now his heart is set somewhere else now An I have to live with that for the rest of my life this is going no where just spilling out my thoughts about things that have no meaning i am who i am and i can't change that I'm wonderfully happy where i am in my life i have regrets as does everyone, and i live my life day by day i buy things i want/need and give when wanted/needed i would not change a thing 

what what what??????

                        so just got hit on by a cute ass brother in blockbuster.

                        hahaha.. it made me smile...that is all i have to say..

                                                    <3

making the run....

i love the heat of summer in the late evening, driving with my windows down, blaring my music. I wish i could just drive forever out of this town, and away from this pain. I want to feel the sun on my shoulders and the glare in my eyes. i want to forget the regrets i have. forget what i have done to myself. i could not sleep last night, tossing and turning, and crying. I have nothing nor no one to lose. Perhaps, things are better this way, is what i keep telling myself. I am not going to moop around this house any longer.There are going to be some changes around here.

                                        My body aches from wanting.

someone sweep me off my feet so i can forget that i love him, to make all this pain go away i beg of you...

 

i just want to die..

 

i have nothing anymore...I am so alone.

Whats Missing is Dead

i  made my first purse on my sewing machine-fucking hawt.

i bought four books today for only 22 bucks

got a $13 check in the mail from suing music companys..

 

                            This isn't the first time i've thought about you

                            This won't be the last time i think about you

                      I can't stand to watch any longer, staring at the ceiling.

                        Retracing our old tracks and the path we never took.

                              No more talking about where I went wrong.

                                                       <3

                                there's just too much that time cannot erase

                                                        <3

Pressing on my skin

                 the nasty cook at golden corral was so trying to hit on me

                                 "Sweets, for a sweet."-gah.gross

                           Read two books today-tanned-sat at home

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                               Wait! they don't love you like i love you

don't let me drown..

                            Today was wonderful, I've missed you so.

                      It's Funny how it seems i feel so perfect in your arms.

                             I'd wait forever for that.. "maybe one day."

                                                   <3

 

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but then i think, i'm not the one your missing nor am i the one you think about when you lay your head to sleep, i'm just a lost cause, and your just something i regret. I'm sorry for everything..

 

Less than you hoped for...

                                              how bout on wednesday

  me, my dad and mama are playing hooky and going to thestrawberry fastival..o'yes.

                                  I Love my Mom, she always surprises me..

                    I finally finished my 600 something paged book today at work..

                          I'm making my dad watch Boondock Saints downstairs..

                                 no unexpected phone calls today...lame.

                                                         <3

 

P.S. I've read 3 books in the past 2 days.. i rule.

what the fuck?!????

      why the fuck did i just eat a whole plate of mash potatos and gravy, right before bed?

                                         damn you scuba steve..

   

as nails rust...

          against me! was wonderful. i loved every breath and sweat pour from my body.

                           I've never seen so much black hair dye though. haha..

              Walking through the projects alone and being white an added bonus..

                                                   I'm dead tired..

                               i love phone calls from you, hot dog eating freak.

              though i know you only call because everyone else i.e. your girl is busy..

                                                        na' nite

                                                            <3

                                                     blah....

shed some light...

                                          i managed to be a jerk anyway,

   It doesn't have to be this way Forget about the things i said i make no excuse for them.

                   i want to start again We all walk our seperate ways i don't know why,

                                  i hope we meet again somewhere some day.

                      i can't change the way you feel It doesn't have to be this way

                 i think about the two of us, i don't know why, i feel good on the inside.

                      It's different now, I'm one i stand alone. i have to be this way...

remember our star, we only can find it in the winter-drunken kisses through the cold..

 

I'd rather not..

                                 Blockbuster nights the past two days

             Today-pick up check-deposit-buy Against Me! ticket-buy a new c.d case

             My eye make-up today reminds me of a pale violet calle lilly-fucking beautiful   

                                                  choo-choo I Love you

                                                             xo

Be a Long time..

          school-bank-vinyl fever-tropical smoothies-int mall*make-up*-drive home

                                        Against me! saturday nuff-said

                         I can't stop listening to Offspring the SMASH c.d.. -repeat-

                               I'm glad i can finally wash my hands of you Dave.

                                               cleaning house-tanning later..

                                                             i rule

                                                              xo

P.S. Living End describes me so well... "cause i'm a brat and i know everything and i talk back cause i'm not listening to anything you say.."

....violate me..

                                                  I'm fine

                                           till i think of you

 

 

                                                <3

..Your always say....

Tonight was fabulous..hung out with Jeremy and Son justin.. so on and so forth.. Got crrraaazzyy..went to applebee's.. the H.S kids who were with us.. got kicked out.. hah

Son tossed his cookies light weight..

Jeremy and Justin went on stage at the strip club, for there birthday and was whipped with dildo's.. fucking hilarious.. anyone who wasn't there is a fucking loser.. great times.One of the girls suggested i should become a stripper.clasic...haha..going down in history..

Way home.. Danny was doing Donuts with 6 of us in a little ass honda..

"ha! lets do it again, and see if we can kill ourselfs"-Billy

"Man, I was too nervous and embarassed to get a hard-on"-Jeremy

"Shake it like a polariod picture, literally"-moi

Wonderful Evening to say the lease..

 

<3

 

Can You hear me now...

HappyMotherfuckingValentinesDay

 

 

P.S This has been the best one yet..Thanks for all my v-day calls, Son, Chris, Dave, Bobby...

 

 

<3

...SLAckERs...

I love you but, I hate you, which brings to mind, how much I love you. We could have worked this out you know, in a little room, in a little locked room. I'm sorry you had to settle for Dave, the one-dimensional man. He's filed under "Cocksucker" in my little black book. Sweetness can rot your teeth. Bittersweet, cacophony. But you hold the key, you hold the key, to my little locked room. You hold the key, you hold the key, to my little locked whoa-ooh-oh-oh. Please let... me... out soon. I love you.

 

 

I love this song....

 

xo

 

 

...Might have said..

i wrote a much happier more free spirited entry earlier...but i decieded to delete it and leave you with this instead....

_________________________________________________________

Back in October while in Orlando, I was asked If i have ever really been "in love".like really in love..and there was no pause in response no thought of regret no second guessing,  i pointed to a boy next to me and replied "yes". and the truth is..I still am..He was fast asleep unaware of us discussing about him..How, Why, and such and he'll never know.heaven help me for saying thing..

My Pillow smelt like you today.. i could have laid there forever..

I'm pathetic i know

[ x ] Why do I ruin prefectly good relationships over you?[ x ] Why is it your always in the back of my head?[ x ]Why am I so scared?[ x ] I hate you for this you know that right[ x ] Oh how i wish you'd get your shit together perhaps thats what stoped me those few times[ x ] I'm always disappointing myself, one moment i'm over you i hate your guts, but in all honesty I never have and i guess i never will[ x ] I hope your wonderfully happy with her now..

There it's said and done it's out there, this me spilling my heart out and this is me finally moving on. not getting over you, This is why it bothers me so when you call me I will always think of you. I know we will never be an "us" again i'm aware of that..maybe thats what hurts the most.

But I feel so much better now that it's said,

[ x ] i'm finally grasping the reality of it all.....

 

I'm not holding back anymore in the future because of you, i have come to realize it only hurts innocent people in the end..on my behave...

<3

        ... I apologize to anyone that is hurt by this entry..

..gah...

.....lkdfjgdfgijdf.....Today was wonderful.

I'm now offically a dark burnette...

This week is promising..<3

---------Lunch with Lauryn Tracy and my mother tomorrow..

       .......my v-day present to my mama is gonna rock her socks...

                 ..Daytona is still up in the air...

-tomorrow possibly hanging out with a someone

-thursday..Chris+Me=good times..

-friday...either working with my Dad or possibly Fair.

sat&sun....work and more work..

                    ......alright i'm going no where...

 

P.S. My mama knocked me upside the head with a bag of jack shit..

_____________________________________________fin

...gah...

.....nothing to update about.....

work/home/dinner

Daytona Spring Break..

my mama's getting me a membership to a tanning bed YAY! for skin cancer.. and my starvation starts today.

 

This week..school and that is all..Possibly the Fair on Friday...

 

blah..blah..blah..

P.S. I'm gonna be a better friend to everyone.

 

 

 

<3

... I'm always wanting you...

i keep disappointing my friends.. i fucking suck as a friend

____________________________________________________

this working 4 days in a row.. 8 hours a day fucking sucks. i have no energy to go out..

I'm missing Gasparilla tomorrow.. i rock.

___________________

I Love hot showers and my satin sheets..

 

 

<3

... Britni's Monologue

Oh why cant I be what you need
a new improved version of me
but i'm nothing so good
no i'm nothing
just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
i beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down fold me in
deep deep deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont...

here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights
where im tossing and tortured til dawn
by you, visions of you then youre gone
the shock lifts the red from my face
when i hear someone's taking my place
how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel
when all, all that i did was for you

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you dont..

i break in two over you
i break in two
and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life
but you dont see me you don't...

i break in two over you
i break in two over you, over you
i break in two
i would break in two for you
now you see me
now you don't
now you need me
now you don't

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i have nothing to update about anymore.. sorry for my lameness.. times like this i really wish i wasn't alone that i hadn't fucked up past relationships.. and that i had someone to be with me..to sit around in my underwear and watch movies. and be lazy and only get ready to go eat some place... and then come back and lay around..

blah... this is depressing i'm going to go down stairs lay around in my p.j's and watch t.v all alone, and i will fucking enjoy it...........goddamnit

 

20 bucks just fell form my boobs.... due to my lack of memory of putting it there earlier this evening because i had no pockets..


True Story.....

I'm....Just being honest...

Saturday evening was absolutely wonderful.. drunken girl with Cowboy hat on and emo glasses...nuff said..

"I'LL FUCKING WORK YOU!!!!!!!!"

"Hey, Lisa come with me to the bathroom."

-Lisa had a stalker all evening. crazy like...

....We were the oldest there it felt. by the way. i'm 24 and a teacher.. and Lisa is hosting the Rodeo.

I had a disturbing conversation Saturday evening on the phone with Bobby, lets just say, i'm never talking to that kid again. after hanging up with him and tears in my eyes, only thing i could do was blare The Unseen and think of all the horrible things, i wish would happen to him/her.....I wish someone would just blow my mind and sweep me off my feet to forget this kid..

The evening made up for it though.. but It's still on my mind...24 hours and many many drinks later...

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Test tomorrow.. Be jealous of my fucking weekend it rocked....